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"You really are clueless, an embarrassment to the name. Hope you're adopted." -- June Dever
"this guy is right about conserving a clue. he hasn't one and that leaves more for the rest of us." -- Jim Lovell
"Your e-mail addy... should be 'dever@getalife.net.'" -- Sponge
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 Topic: Funny StuffThe new items published under this topic are as follows.
| If Your Kid's School Looks Like This... |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 10:50 PM |
Important safety tip: If your school looks like this, do NOT drink the Kool-Aid when the principal sets off the siren and starts announcing, "White night. White night." That is all.
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| Heh... Billy Madison Hits the Courtroom |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 04:34 PM |
One can assume after reading the footnote on this order the judge at least has a sense of humor:
Or, in the words of the competition judge to Adam Sandler's title character in the movie, "Billy Madison," after Billy Madison had responded to a question with an answer that sounded superficially reasonable but lacked any substance,
Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Deciphering motions like the one presented here wastes valuable chamber staff time, and invites this sort of footnote.
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| A Literary Exercise for you Intellectual Types |
| Posted by: dever on Monday, March 06, 2006 - 03:00 PM |
From an old e-mail of mine...
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two American students: Michelle (last name deleted), and Stan (last name deleted):
THE STORY:
(First paragraph by Michelle) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Stan) Meanwhile, Advanced Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Sky Lon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geo-station 17," he said into his Tran galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Michelle)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Sky Lon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Stan)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian Mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile - Submarine headquarters, on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'them out of the sky!" He said.
(Michelle)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
(Stan)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo, I read too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Michelle)
Asshole.
(Stan)
Bitch.
(Michelle)
DICK HEAD!
(Stan)
Slut.
(Michelle)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL PRICK!!!
(Stan)
Go drink some tea -- whore.
(Professor)
A+ - I really liked this one.
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| 9797 Comments
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| Don't Take My Word For It |
| Posted by: dever on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 03:00 AM |
Anyone who saw the trailer knew Gigli was going to suck. But did anyone actually think it would suck so bad that the reviews are more entertaining than the movie itself?
"....at this point I think I'd rather suffer through last week's pandering, soft-pitch Dateline NBC special about the couple than watch them lurch and stagger through another two hours of screen amour." -- Rob Blackwelder, splicedwire.com
"[Ben Affleck] appears to be wearing Ted Danson's toupee from 'Cheers.'" -- Roger Friedman, Fox News
"Gigli features some of the most embarrassing writing of any movie made in the last decade is clearly supposed to express an earthy sexual sophistication." -- WTOP
"[Justin] Bartha apparently has downloaded Dustin Hoffman's 'Rain Man' performance; he's got the agitated muttering and blurted non sequiturs down cold. And when he smiles, Brest never fails to thrust the camera right up to his face. At such moments, the orchestral score becomes coated in so much syrup, it could open its own IHOP franchise." -- Mark Caro, Chicago Tribune
"For a brief, mad, moment I had a flicker of a thought that the mundane inanity of the sordid and petty imperatives imposed on Larry and Ricki might be some Samuel Beckett-style commentary on the existential void. Then I realized that watching the movie put me closer to the existential void than they ever were, and that Godot would arrive long before this movie went anywhere. " -- Nell Minow, The Movie Mom
"'Gigli' is such an utter wreck of a movie you expect to see it lying on its side somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, with a small gang of engineers circling and a wisp of smoke rising from the caboose." -- Stephen Whitty, NJ.com
"Rarely has a movie that doesn't star Madonna achieved such a skin-crawling mixture of deluded preening and bungled humour." -- Liam Lacey, The Globe and Mail
"[A] huge waste of celluloid." -- Paul Clinton, CNN
"There are so many bad moments in 'Gigli,' it's a shame to single out only a few." -- Jami Bernard, New York Daily News
"... it has a special badness all its own." -- A. O. Scott, New York Times
"A recent episode of South Park suggested that a fourth-grader's hand puppet could turn in a better performance than Ms. Lopez, and in the case of Gigli, it's hard to argue." -- Luke Y. Thompson, New Times
"In case the Razzie Award announcers have any difficulty with the pronunciation, Gigli rhymes with 'really.' As in ?really bad,? or ?really offensive,? or ?really wish I?d remembered my gun so I could just shoot myself now and end the misery.?" -- Laine Ewen, Premiere
"Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching 'Glitter.'"-- Danny Minton, KBTV
"Worst. Movie. Ever." -- The Comic Book Store Guy
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| All This War Talk... |
| Posted by: dever on Saturday, July 19, 2003 - 03:00 AM |
Monty Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
Monty Burns: And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
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| If White People Had Gangs |
| Posted by: dever on Friday, April 18, 2003 - 03:00 AM |
So, me and my crew were down for an exciting afternoon of backgammon. The Benjamin's were on the table and it was all coming down to one throw of the dice. Time to find out if Walter really had game, or if he was all talk...
After we got bored, me and the boys cruised down to the local liquor store and picked up some bottles of an 18 year-old single-malt Scotch. We slid them in paper bags, cracked the tops, and started looking for some fly honeys while we cruised the west side suburbs...
We almost had to draw down with the phone numbers of our parent's lawyer when some fool was disrespecting. It's been a while since I had to slap a slander suit on some punk-ass. He stepped back, they always do.
Damn, it feels good to be a privileged white boy.
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