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"You really are clueless, an embarrassment to the name. Hope you're adopted." -- June Dever
"this guy is right about conserving a clue. he hasn't one and that leaves more for the rest of us." -- Jim Lovell
"Your e-mail addy... should be 'dever@getalife.net.'" -- Sponge
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| Rookies |
| Posted by: dever on Saturday, December 06, 2008 - 05:34 PM |
After a couple of weeks of watching the new A&E television show, I have to stop and ask myself, "Is there anyone with half a brain going in to law enforcement?" In one episode this week, one of the rookies ran out of gas on scene and had to call for another unit with a gas can. Seriously? Ran out of gas? I never once pulled an ambulance out of the garage without checking the gas gauge and if I didn't have ¾ of a tank at least, I filled it up. Likewise, at the end of a shift I always filled the tank up if it was under ¾ of a tank. I also checked all the emergency and non-emergency lights, and any warning instrumentation on the dashboard. Look, you're talking about a job where you're going to spend most of your shift getting in and out of a vehicle and that vehicle may be your only means to get you or your partner out of an unsafe situation – along with your radio, it's your lifeline. Wouldn't common sense dictate that you check your lifeline?
Maybe it is just the editors going out of their way to make the rookies look like they're having a tough time with it, but I'm still left wondering what bone-headed move these rookies are going to make next. At least, I wonder it during those few times I'm not yelling at the television, "What are you doing?" "Take control of the scene!" "Quit questioning this guy with your gun hip facing him, take a defensive posture!"
I had a lot of hope for this show, but after a month I'm finding it to be almost unwatchable.
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| Say What You Want About McCain's Supporters... |
| Posted by: dever on Thursday, October 23, 2008 - 11:49 PM |
At least we know who most ATM stick-up guys prefer for president. http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/17789356/detail.html Sure, it's one thing for you to rob a chic at an ATM machine so that you can make ends meet until a new president comes along that promises you won't have to work. But, carving a "B" in her face when you see that damn McCain bumper-sticker on her car, that's some serious style. Stay classy, Pittsburgh.
UPDATE: The miserable little twit made it up! Wow, the McCain camp is more desperate than I thought. Pathetic!
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| I took this job for the glamour... |
| Posted by: dever on Wednesday, May 21, 2008 - 10:26 PM |
So my partner and I had the bariatric cot on the squad we were assigned to Monday night. Lucky us… got a discharge from a west side nursing home for a guy (we'll call him "John") with some obvious MR/DD issues who is on the wrong side of 600lbs. The squad assigned to provide us a lift assist is already waiting for us when we arrive. We get inside and learn that my partner knows John from when he was working at a hospital ER some years ago. Apparently, John used to be a very bad boy. One night Cleveland EMS brought him in the ER high on "wet" aggressive and badly delusional. Somehow, through the use of a small army of police and EMS, they had managed to restrain him on a backboard and haul him in. Once in the ED, they secured the backboard to a hospital gurney. John decided he didn't want to stay at the hospital and started rocking his weight until he got the gurney upright and proceeded to start duck walking out the EMS entrance – with the gurney and backboard still strapped to his back. He's not going to be walking anywhere on us now that years of uncontrolled diabetes has taken his feet from him. Nonetheless, I'm happy when he tells us with a smile, "I'm reformed now."
John is going home to a house a ghetto and we hit our first snag of the night when he describes the house to us. For the bariatric cot, there's an aluminum board that folds out and bolts to the top of the cot to make it wider to accommodate large patients. Unfortunately, that plate doesn't fit through the narrow doorways of most of the circa 1920 duplexes in that neighborhood, so we're going to have to take him without it which is going to be rather uncomfortable to him. The alternative is going to be to put a tarp under him and when we get to the house, slide him through the door on the tarp instead of the cot, which is rather humiliating. He informs us he'll tolerate the narrow cot for the trip. The nursing home uses a hoyer lift to put him on the cot, and the four of us secure him with extension straps – so far so good. The bariatric cot is capable of holding 1500lbs according to the manufacturer, so we're in good shape. The four of us load him my squad, I hop in the back with him and we head out.
We arrive on-scene and get a look at the front of the house and realize that we're going to need additional manpower to lift him up the steps. (Note to self - A "few" steps is a relative term.) My partner calls for a 3rd squad while the patient's guardian informs me that the bed isn't quite ready yet for him, that the medical supply guy they're using had the wrong parts and he'll be back in about 20 minutes. Meanwhile the 3rd squad gets the dispatch and assumes that since we're calling for a lift assist from a residence that we're stuck on an emergency run and can't get the patient out of the house and runs hot to our location. As they come down the street with lights on and sirens blaring, two thoughts cross my mind: 1) I'm glad that if I was in a jam, my brothers are going to get there to have my back just as I would theirs. 2) I wish they hadn't just drawn the additional attention to us that they had. Its 22:00, we're standing around in the ghetto, now the entire neighborhood is now outside watching us and there's still no sign of the guy with the parts for the bed. The teenage boys start doing their crypt walk up and down the middle of the street next to us. One woman starts throwing her trash bags off her 2nd floor porch on to the lawn next to one of the squads and asks us to take them to the street. We decline.
More importantly, my patient is starting to get very uncomfortable on that cot. A half hour goes by, and we walk over to his guardian who has been sitting in her car the entire time with her kid sitting next to her, smoking her cigarettes and talking on her cell phone, and ask her to call the guy back. He says he's on the way. After an hour I'm less that thrilled with the entire situation. First of all, this patient's family is absolutely worthless and apathetic and I'm appalled that not once did any of them bother to walk over and see how he is doing. Secondly, he's now miserable on the cot to the point of having tears in his eyes. I don't care how big the guy is or what he did to get in to that condition, I didn't take this job to make people suffer – I took this job to help alleviate suffering. Finally, we have three squads sitting out of service waiting around that could be doing other things. I walk back to "Mary's" car and tell her, "Look, he's in a lot of pain in there, call this guy back again and find out if he's actually coming out here."
Around 23:30 the guy from the medical supply company is back and the bed is ready for us. We open the front door to make sure we have a clear path to bring him in. When the door opens, it startles some cockroaches that scurry up the wall while grandpa/dad sleeps on the couch and a little girl plays on the floor. A toilet sits against the wall in the middle of the living room next to the front window. Even under the worst conditions, a nursing home has to be better than this…
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| If Your Kid's School Looks Like This... |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 10:50 PM |
Important safety tip: If your school looks like this, do NOT drink the Kool-Aid when the principal sets off the siren and starts announcing, "White night. White night." That is all.
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| Just what did Imus really say? |
| Posted by: wd8chl on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 10:48 PM |
...and did Sharpton even hear it? Channel 19 here aired the actual sound bite of what Don Imus really said about Rutgers. And I'm just gonna say it-if someone like Chris Rock, or any one of a thousand other black comics had said exactly the same thing in exactly the same context, everyone would rolling in the isles. No one would call it racist. No one would call it degrading. No one would even think twice about it. But because a white man said it, well, we all see the result.I dislike Don Imus as much as anyone, and while I don't follow basketball, I'm sure the Rutgers team deserves a big congratulations for a job well done this season, and probably every other season as well. But geez, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.If Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and all these other so-called 'reverends' want to really do something about prejudice, they need to look at themselves first.Jim Barbour
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| David Caruso Wants to Kick Your Ass |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, October 03, 2006 - 11:55 PM |
In the late 70s and early 80s, attempting to feed off of the "macho" image Miller Brewing Company was working to instill in to its "Lite" brand, the folks over at Schlitz decided the key to their prosperity was to out-Miller their cross-town rivals. After compiling a crew of even meatier meatheads than the crew of washed-out, has-been athletes Miller had found, they produced their own series of ads in which their tough guy would be asked to trade his beer for another. At this point he would snarl at the camera and exclaim, "What? You want to take away my gusto?!" The end result was a series of commericals which were menacing, aggressive, and literally scared off potential Schlitz drinkers. Marketing insiders aptly took to calling the campaign, "Drink Schlitz or I'll kill you!"
Apparently, those same writers have moved on from the advertising firm they were at and are today writing for CSI: Miami. And it is getting old...
The show is centered around giving Caruso ample opportunities to preen and show off that he's the baddest dude in Miami. Apply this formula to any given week's episode:
Person Dies. Caruso and crew arrive on scene, make witty banter and wrap up with Caruso making some inane comment that, I can only assume, is supposed to convey a sense of urgency - punctuated by Caruso putting on his sunglasses. ** Title Sequence ** Random beautiful people collecting evidence ** Caruso standing in a hallway, leg jutting in some sort of male-model-wannabe pose, staring out a window doing absolutely nothing for 3 seconds. Person approaches Caruso in conversation, during which he refuses to look the person in the eye and scowls. Concludes with Caruso finally lifting his head and intimidating said person. ** Random beautiful people in lab coats playing with cool geeky toys - edited as annoyingly as possible by some wanna-be Tarantino with multiple frames of action moving around, goofy image effects, and a hip-yet-relatively-unknown artist for a background score like Baxter, or Massive Attack. ** Caruso heads out and confronts head bad-guy number one, softly threating him while looking at the deck, punctuated when he looks in to his adversary's eyes and lays out the overt threat. This is another favorite spot for Caruso to put on his sunglasses again. ** Random beautiful people in lab coats.... well, you get the picture already.
I don't want to be too hard on the writers, I understand that Caruso isn't the easiest guy in Hollywood to write for. While some actors have a range of emotions and temperments they can credibly portray, others have fewer dimentions. Caruso has an on and off switch - he's either talking or he's silent. His sunglasses are on or they are off. He's looking at the floor or at the camera.
The end result is something that feels so fake and is so over-the-top is trying to make Caruso tough that it ends up as a giant joke. It's "Drink Schlitz or David Caruso will kill you!"
As an aside, I've taken to watching the show with a bottle of Scotch and making my own drinking game out of it. Not only is the show much more enjoyable, I'm usually feeling pretty good by the end of it. Anyone who wants the rules, feel free to ask.
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| And the Ohio GOP Continues to Implode |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 05:10 AM |
Bob Bennett was, at one point, considered a political genius for shifting control of Ohio politics to the GOP. The problem is, he didn't win those victories by recruiting and supporting republicans - the party backed a bunch of Democrats-in-drag, err "moderates" (He out-democrated the Democrats) and Ohio has been paying the price. There are precious few fiscal conservatives and civil libertarians leading the show in Columbus, replaced instead by "Republicans" that would be "Democrats" in any other state. Not to be outdone, the Ohio Democratic Party responded by recruiting and running fringe nut-jobs like Lee Fisher - until now. Here's the perfect example:
After 10 years of bitter fighting by the populace and plenty of broken promises, Ohio was finally one of the last of the states to pass concealed carry reform. Ohio's CCW experiment is a couple years old now, and during that time some major flaws with the system have been exposed. The most obvious flaw is the restrictions on carrying a firearm in a motor vehicle - in short the weapon must be in "plain sight" (with no definition of what degree of visibility constitutes said "plain sight") or it must be in a locked compartment. Complying with this prevision is, at best a nuisance, at worst a safety issue - causing needless handling and re-holstering of a firearm. While I fully expect my fellow concealed handgun license holders to be a cut above with regards to training and weapon handling, the reality is that most people neglect or have insufficient experience with holster work. It not covered in great detail in most firearm safety courses and most ranges prohibit it. (Which is just another reason you should go spend a weekend at Tactical Defense Institute!)
After listening to feedback from license holders and holding public hearings, the Ohio House passed HB347 with broad, bipartisan support - removing the nonsensical "plain sight" language from Ohio's concealed carry provisions. As expected, Gov. Bob Taft threatened to veto the bill and it has since died in the Ohio Senate, which still seems hesitant to put itself in a position where it would have to consider overriding the veto of our notorious "Republican" governor - lame duck Democrat-in-Drag, or not.
This has not gone unnoticed by the Democrats in the southern part of the state, nor by gubernatorial candidate Ted Strickland who released the following statement:
"Ohio's GOP leadership has demonstrated that they are unwilling to act on important legislation to strengthen protections for Ohio's gun owners.
"The improvements needed to Ohio's current concealed carry law outlined in HB 347 have bipartisan support from both Democratic and Republican legislators in the Ohio House of Representatives. But the Republican-controlled senate has stalled this very important bill indefinitely.
"As governor, I would support passage of this bill in its entirety and would sign HB 347 into law the moment it hit my desk. I urge the legislature to stop the delay and pass this legislation as soon as possible."
Twelve years of ineffective leadership has finally put the Ohio GOP in a position where they've allowed their Democrat opponents to take support of gun rights issues away from them. The irony is so thick one almost requires a chainsaw to cut through it.
The real trouble for the Ohio GOP is that their opponents have their number this time - instead of Tim Hagan as a candidate, they've recruited a moderate who enjoys strong bipartisan support in his congressional district.
Footnote:
Perhaps my problem is that I'm not truly a conservative, but a "small l" libertarian who had viewed the GOP as pretty much running in the same direction I thought we should travel. With the anti-civil liberty and fiscal irresponsibility shift in the Ohio GOP (and the RNC, nationally), it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my differences with the party. The only positive I see for the Ohio GOP this year is that Ken Blackwell is very much an outsider and despised by Bob Bennett's party machine. Had Jim Petro won the primary, it would have represented another four years of Voinovich/Taft non-leadership. Unfortunately, Blackwell is an uber-social conservative - so as much as I'd like to see a Blackwell victory as a giant middle finger to Bennett, I have yet to find an argument that would truly persuade me to vote for him.
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| Same Shit Different Name |
| Posted by: dever on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 10:02 PM |
FAIR and the Center for Independent Public Broadcasting are pushing for to take oversight of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting away from congress and turn it over to an "independent" (read: uber-liberal) oversight committee that would be more immune to political pressures.
In other words - us idiotic common folk would still have the privilege of funding CPB but with even less input that we have today. (As if congressional oversight really gives you or I that much input in to the activities of CPB.) I'm sure this sounds like a great idea to progressives who can't figure out why the majority of Americans don't agree with their position and continue to send Republicans to Disneyland on the Potomac. Like most of the ideas of our "progressive" brothers and sisters, this is truly terrible idea.
Let's get this out of the way right up front: Anyone who has read this site in the past knows that I'm no fan of public broadcasting in general and more specifically public television. With the advent of cable channels covering just about every interest under the sun, there's really nothing PBS is doing that isn't already being done better by the private sector. Between A&E, Bravo, the History Channel, the Learning Channel, Discovery, and the various children and family programming channels that are all parts of most basic cable channels, what does PBS really bring to the table that isn't already being handled by the public marketplace? Frontline? Simon and Garfunkle singing in Central Park 20 years ago? Just zero the funding already and move on - there's something of a budget deficit if you haven't noticed (even though tax revenues are at an all time high).
On a more personal level, I've grown weary of watching the staff of PBS stations hijack the programming for their fund-raising jihad - holding Big Bird and the Cookie Monster hostage to guilt people like my grandparents in to sending them $200 for a WVIZ-TV 25 ("You make the difference!") coffee mug and a Yanni CD. It seems like you can't turn on a PBS station anymore without someone interrupting the program with a styrofoam cup in their hand asking, "Spare some change?" It's embarrassing.
But let's get back to the real issue here:
Any entity that receives federal funding should be subject to federal oversight. The government isn't creating any wealth of its own, it's simply taking money from you and I then distributing it as it sees fit. In essence, we are all shareholders of CPB therefore we all have a certain degree of input in deciding how the corporation is run. Our input comes through the decisions of those we elect to represent us in Congress. Removing control of CPB from congress eliminates the voice of the people paying for the product and that's not acceptable.
Even shifting the funding to a "usage fee" levied on commercial broadcasters is still a tax in disguise. It's a governmental mandate to take money from one organization and redistribute it to another. Ultimately these fees are considered in to advertising costs, which then trickle back in to higher prices for consumer products that you and I pay. It's still a tax, albeit one that goes to great lengths to disguise the fact.
Or put another way, the output of the wastewater treatment plant certainly smells nicer than the input - but it's still being driven by the same old shit.
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| Am I Supposed to Feel Bad? |
| Posted by: dever on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 01:34 AM |
So, I have to wonder, after reading this tripe about the poor children of illegal aliens walking to and from school alone, am I supposed to feel bad for them? How long will it take for people to line up shouting "stop this enforcement of federal law for the children?"
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| Sex Advice from Uncle Dever |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, June 13, 2006 - 02:52 AM |
I'm always surprised at all the horrible men's advice and sex advice presented in magazines like Men's Health or asked online at askmen.com. Three years ago I decided to write a piece about these morons - basically decrying the stereotypical "dating-game-don't-call-for-x-number-of-days" nonsense you see. Through my research looking on-line for examples (Yes, I read this shit so you don't have to), I kept running across these Q&A columns that were just begging for a response.
Suddenly, the lightbulb went on... Why not take these questions and answer them the way I wished the feel-good Doctors and so-called experts would have? Why not beat these folks over the head with a cluestick? It lead to one of the most fun and popular postings of 2003.
So, with that in mind, I'm doing it again. I've combined the new with a couple of my favorites from the old. Enjoy!
I started dating this guy. It's been less than a week. He got drunk last night and stayed the night. He wanted to mess around with me, but I wouldn't. He tried and realized that I wasn't going to change my mind, so we went to sleep. When I woke up at 7:30 a.m. his jeans were off and he was masturbating. He had previously put his hand down the back of my pants, but since my back was turned, I thought nothing of it. When I saw what he was doing I freaked out, got up and left the room.
He said he was sleeping, and doing this in his sleep. Possible or not? I don't see how it would be possible. To take your jeans off and do that, just seems like a lot of trouble for someone who is sleeping.
Jennifer
Jennifer,
So you're "dating" some guy you've known less than a week. Would you, perhaps, care to reword that as "I went out with a guy this week?" The word "dating" implies that you've had the opportunity for multiple dates. You're not exactly that smart, sexy librarian type, are you? Relationship classification issues aside, the schlep comes over to your house, gets drunk, and then makes some weak, fumbling moves at you. If this wasn't bad enough for the first week, when you wake up you find him with his peske in his hand going to town. You sure do know how to pick 'em. -Uncle Dever
***
I have an uncontrollable fetish for girls in casts; that's to say, leg casts. I don't get turned on by pain, just by the cast. And I am also a foot fetishist. I can't seem to get aroused easily unless I can see their feet or they are in a cast. Do I have a problem? Am I abnormal?
Clark
Nope, pal - that's why they're called handi-capable. Kick it up a notch - you haven't lived until you've received a blowjob from a chick in a wheelchair. -UD
***
Me and my lover want to try new things, and I brought up the idea of using chloroform. Are there any dangers I need to worry about if I were to chloroform her?
Harold
Harold,
Why not just buy a nice white panel van while you're at it? Seriously, just drive yourself down to the local Sheriff's Office and let them take your sex offender photo now. -UD
***
I've been sexually involved with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I do all the things I know men love, including doing it in public places, getting Brazilian waxes, having quickies, going down on him without his asking, bizarre positions, you name it!
But my boyfriend never performs oral sex or foreplay on me and it's really annoying that he only wants intercourse. He refuses to do any type of foreplay even if I'm down on my knees begging and crying for it. Heck I've even spread my legs eagle style and masturbated in front of him!
What do I do?
Frustrated in Jersey
Frustrated,
Do you really need to ask what you need to do? Kick his ass to the curb. It sounds like the only person your boyfriend is interested in is himself. How is that fulfilling for you? Move on - you've already wasted 8 months - and find yourself a man who's interested in pleasing you, too. From the way you've described yourself, you shouldn't have any problem finding a man. Look ladies, take some advice from your Uncle Dever - If your man refuses to go down on you, go find a man who loves giving oral... plenty of us do.
Also, if you ever feel like getting spread eagle and masturbating for others, invest in a webcam. And don't Bogart the URL. There's good money to be made on the internet and, for a small cut, I'd be willing to pimp you out host the website and provide the video streaming. -UD
***
Hi Uncle Dever,
My girl told me that she is pregnant. I trust her somewhat, but I used a condom every time.
How probable is it that she lied?
Mike
Mike,
Maybe in the future you'll consider not sticking your dick in some chick you don't even trust enough not to be screwing around on you. If you think she'd lie to you about something like, oh... I don't know... being pregnant, you shouldn't be shtuping her in the first place, yo. Learn to think with the big head instead of the little one. Hope you enjoy those child support payments, sucker. -UD
***
My wife and I were wondering if there is such a thing as a penis size reduction? Please let me know. My size causes problems in our sex life.
Thanks,
Richard
Richard,
Hear that loud noise ringing in the background? That's my bullshit detector. -UD
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I am 29, circumcised and sexually active. Usually, in order to reach orgasm, the woman has to be very tight or I have to pull out and masturbate over her until orgasm. Even when a woman gives me a hand job, she usually gets tired and has to switch back and forth between hands. As a bachelor, I used to take a lot of pride in being able to go on forever.
My problem is this: I am going to marry a virgin sometime next year. She thinks I'm a virgin too. Her family and mine also believe I am a virgin. So how do I condition my mind and body to be more sensitive and reach orgasm more easily, instead of nailing my poor virgin bride into oblivion just because it takes me two days to get off?
Sincerely,
Punjab
Punjab,
Perhaps you should consider if entering into marriage while in a relationship built on a foundation of lies is a good idea. You're an asshole and she deserves better than you. As for this shit about nailing your "poor virgin bride into oblivion," get over yourself already. -UD
***
Uncle Dever,
I would like to know if it is okay for one to drink his loved lady's urine? Is it okay for the lady to pee into the mouth of her lover? Of course, he loves to drink it. I would be grateful if you would guide me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
A.
Damn, dude. Just... damn. How the hell do you even ask for that? "My lovely lady, I want to be so close to you. Please give me your gift; piss in my mouth." Honestly, I think there's a line where things are too kinky to do with the people you know. If the idea of being some chick's urinal is what works for you, that's probably something best left to explore with a stranger - not someone who knows all your friends. Trust me. -UD
***
While exchanging fantasies, my girlfriend said she wants me to try and pee while inside her. I've never done anything like that before, and wonder if it is even possible. If so, could it leave an infection?
This is not a joke. Thanks for your help.
Rick
Rick,
I think you and A. should swap girlfriends. This is not a joke. -UD
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